11 years in: 5 things I know for sure about motherhood

I’ve been a mother for 11½ years – a solo mother for four of those. 

No matter how many parenting books you read, it’s impossible to fully prepare for the pervasive and permanent way motherhood changes your life. 

Rather than sending out a Mother’s Day sales campaign this year, I’m sharing my reflections on motherhood, based on what I've discovered during my years of parenting. I hope this is helpful to you or a mother or father you know. 

Here are five beautiful lessons I've learnt from motherhood:

1) Apart from the basic necessities, the one thing children need to thrive is unconditional love. They need to feel that their unique personality and the way they live their life is fully loved and accepted by us. That, regardless of what they do or don’t achieve, we love them no matter what. This is more important than pushing for strong school reports, signing them up to multiple extra-curricular activities, taking them on international holidays, buying them on-trend clothing etc. So, if you can’t achieve all the extra things, as long as you’re loving your kids unconditionally, you’re doing an amazing job. 

2) It's ok to make mistakes – as long as we repair. I know I’ve had awful parenting moments where I’ve shouted at my kids – not because they’re doing anything that’s horrifically wrong, but because I’ve been stressed and under pressure. But once I’ve calmed myself down, I always apologise and take ownership for my response. I don’t blame them. Repairing after a parenting fail is good modelling for our kids to learn emotion management. 

3)  Don’t try to be the perfect mother, or have the perfect home. Perfectionism makes us anti-resilient. It also makes us focus on the wrong things - normally how we, and our life, appear to others - rather than prioritising our health and our connection with loved ones, which is way more important and central to our happiness.

4) The three most important things I believe we need to teach our kids are how to: 1) process their emotions, 2) develop resilience and 3) develop empathy towards others, including having an open mind about people who are different to them.

5) As mothers, it’s vital to prioritise our own mental and physical health FIRST. This is the single most important lesson I’ve learnt that has made me a happier person and a better mother. It’s not what we are taught and it's not always easy to do. But you will be a calmer and more connected mother, a more relaxed partner, and more efficient in your work, if you schedule activities that replenish yourself physically and mentally every single day. 

I'd love to know what you think of the above and if you have your own lessons to add (dad's thoughts welcome too!). Comment below.

~ Anna  

The image above of my and my daughters Vienna and Lola was taken on a friend's property near National Park, NZ, in April 2025.